The alarm blares, and I wake up with a renewed vigor to indoctrinate America’s youth.
I ride my bike to work, smugly turning up my nose at real Americans who drive trucks. As I pedal, my thoughts are preoccupied with how I will infect children with my liberal agenda. No other ideas flow in and out of my mind on my commute, like wondering if I should donate plasma this weekend to make some extra cash to pay rent.
I pull into the parking lot and say hello to the drag queen we recently hired as the school librarian. As we walk into Socialist Snowflake Learning Center (previously called Robert E. Lee Elementary), we schedule a time for her to visit my class and expose my students to sexually explicit material.
As the bell rings and students arrive, I refuse to let Bethany G. enter the classroom, since she’s wearing a Paw Patrol backpack; I send her to the principal’s office to be expelled and possibly jailed. I allow my students to kneel during the Pledge of Allegiance but force them to blow kisses at framed portraits of George Soros, Ibram X. Kendi, and Joy Behar.
Circle Time #1: Students engage in Social Emotional Learning, which is just an hour of me interrogating kids under a single swaying lightbulb, demanding that they admit whether or not their parents are anti-vaxxers.
Story Time: I read The Lorax aloud. By the end of the book, all the kids are radicalized and collectively devise a plan to dismantle capitalism. [Continue reading…]